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The research, published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being, measured both distress and perceived social support across multiple waves. The data consistently confirmed one expected pattern: individuals who reported strong social support experienced lower distress in subsequent assessments. However, a second, more troubling pattern also emerged. Over time, rising distress was linked to a decline in perceived support.
This second pathway, where distress actively erodes future support, was particularly pronounced in men. For women, the effect was not significant. The researchers concluded that men’s distress leads to decreased perceptions of social support from others in their lives.
The likely cause of this disparity is not biological wiring but unspoken social norms. Men are widely expected to be self-reliant and stoic, betraying little emotion and needing no help. Under the weight of this expectation, men can feel pressure to hide their struggles from friends and significant others, which ultimately pushes away the very support they need.
Emotional intelligence (EI) is your ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions, as well as your capacity to recognize and influence the emotions of those around you. EI is built on four core skills:
To gauge your current level of emotional intelligence and identify areas for improvement, experts recommend taking a validated EI assessment. The struggle men face in reaching out for connection is largely a matter of relationship management. This skill involves building and sustaining connections, and leaning into the discomfort of asking for help is a vital part of forming authentic and meaningful relationships.
Imagine a ship in distress. The crew knows they must fire a flare while there is still a chance another vessel will see it. If they hesitate, the ship slips below the horizon, and their signal is lost forever. No one is left to witness their struggle or offer assistance.
For many men, asking for help follows a similar pattern. Distress is often the first sign of trouble, yet the natural instinct is to hold back. The flares are fired too infrequently and often far too late. The real skill lies in learning to sit with the discomfort of vulnerability and to request support before a crisis fully takes hold. It is about leaning into that unease early, rather than waiting until the situation becomes dire.
To make this easier, consider a practical four-step framework for reaching out before you feel overwhelmed.
The first step is self-awareness. Everyone has specific behaviors they exhibit when they are starting to struggle. These are the early warning signs that you are withdrawing. Classic examples include:
These responses might seem trivial on their own, but they are often the first mechanisms we use to avoid asking for help. Recognizing these patterns in yourself is the crucial first step toward changing them.
Don’t wait until you are in the middle of a crisis to figure out who you can call. Decide now who your trusted confidants are. Identify the friends, family members, or colleagues who you trust to listen without judgment. By selecting your support network before you need it, you remove the friction of trying to find the right person when you are already feeling stressed or vulnerable.
On a scale of one to ten, where one is fine and ten is a full-blown emergency, most people wait until they are at a nine to reach out. The problem is that the little things—the stress building at work, the tension at home, the general feeling of being run down—don’t seem significant enough to warrant a conversation. However, these small issues compound over time. If you can train yourself to ask for help when you are at a three, the conversation is calmer, the support is more proactive, and the problem is much easier to solve.
Asking for help is a two-way street. To normalize this behavior, start by offering support to others. Ask your friends how they are truly doing, and go beyond the surface-level “fine.” Offer your time and assistance however you can. When you model vulnerability and support for your peers, you create a safe environment where asking for help becomes a standard part of the friendship, rather than a last resort.
The evidence for this approach is substantial. Fourteen years of research and data from 76,000 people demonstrate that the withdrawal effect in men is real and self-reinforcing. When men pull away from support systems, they often feel worse, which leads to further withdrawal. It is a difficult loop to break on your own.
To interrupt this cycle for yourself, you must actively develop the muscle of asking for help. It is a skill that requires practice. And remember, every time you ask for help, you are not just helping yourself—you are showing your friends that it is safe for them to ask you for help when they are struggling. Your vulnerability gives them permission to be vulnerable in return.
Kevin Kruse is the Founder and CEO of LEADx, an emotional intelligence training company. He is also a New York Times bestselling author. You can take his free EI Assessment to receive a psychologically validated score breakdown across each of the four core emotional intelligence skills.
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