5 Things to Say When a Narcissistic Boss Manipulates You

Why Narcissistic Bosses Manipulate and How to Respond

Conversations with narcissistic bosses often take a strange turn: you ask something simple, like which assignment should come first, and suddenly you’re defending your commitment to the team. You may have spent the week rearranging your life to finish a project, yet your boss still questions your dedication. So you go blow-by-blow through the hours you’ve worked, while the question that started the conversation remains where you left it.

Vague criticisms like “You’re unreliable” or “I’m disappointed” leave the particulars for you to work out. Your first move is getting the criticism specific enough to address, without defending your entire employment history. Use the details you can substantiate, even when they aren’t flattering to you.

Five responses can help:

1. Could you show me where the work didn’t meet expectations?
2. Here’s what’s complete and what’s still outstanding.
3. Here’s what I completed and when I raised the concern.
4. The deadline is Friday, and I’m on track to meet it.
5. I can work on that Monday morning.

Ask for Specifics: 'Could You Show Me Where the Work Didn't Meet Expectations?'

When a boss criticizes your work, you should come away knowing what needs fixing. But a narcissistic boss may offer a blanket judgment like “You’re unreliable” or “I’m disappointed,” leaving the particulars for you to work out. Rather than defending your entire employment history, try asking, “Could you show me where the work didn’t meet expectations? I’d like to understand what needs to change.”

If your boss points out that your analysis omitted an important cost, you’ve got something to fix. The fact that they’re frequently unreasonable doesn’t make every criticism they offer unreasonable, so give the answer enough attention to find out whether there’s a useful correction buried somewhere in there.

Of course, you might just get another generalization. In that case, narrow the question further: “Could we look at one recent assignment and the part you’d like me to handle differently?” You’ll have a much better chance of making a useful correction if your boss will stay with that assignment long enough to explain what went wrong.

Clarify Progress and Accountability: 'Here's What's Complete and What's Still Outstanding'

Some bosses will describe a report as needing to be rebuilt from scratch when the unfinished portion consists of numbers someone else hasn’t supplied yet. You then spend half the meeting answering their description of the report as “a total disaster,” when you could have used that time to find out when the numbers will arrive.

Begin with an account of the work that someone could actually check. For example: “The draft is complete, and we’re waiting on the finance figures for the last section. I’ve requested those for tomorrow morning, which leaves us a day to finish the report before it’s due.”

Your boss might explain that the figures have to go through an additional review you hadn’t allowed for, which would be useful information to have. Or you might discuss how to get them sooner. Either way, the conversation has a better chance of producing a decision once you’re discussing what remains unfinished and who needs to do something about it.

Be careful here, though, because a nearly finished report can still be unusable if the missing portion is essential. You don’t want to sound as though you’re minimizing a serious delay simply because you’ve completed most of your own work. Give an accurate account of the consequences as well as the progress.

Address Blame and Guilt Trips: 'Here's What I Completed and When I Raised the Concern' and 'I Can Work on That Monday Morning'

When a project runs into trouble, your responsibility for it may seem to expand after the fact: “This whole delay is your fault,” even though you completed your part and warned that the supplier’s information hadn’t arrived. Lay out the sequence: “I completed the analysis on Tuesday and emailed you Wednesday about the missing supplier data. We’re still waiting on that data to finish the recommendation.” Include your own mistakes if there were any, and resist sarcasm—it lets the conversation drift to your tone while the accusation goes uncorrected.

For guilt trips about weekend work, keep your response close to what you can offer: “I’ve completed the work we agreed on for this week. I can work on that Monday morning.” If your boss returns to your commitment, repeat your availability rather than re-explaining your weekend plans.

Distinguish facts from interpretations: an unfinished section is a fact; an assessment of your competence is an interpretation. Keep a record of exchanges, and if your boss keeps denying documented events, consider getting help from a trusted mentor or an appropriate person in your organization.