Why Being Nice Isn't Enough for Career Success
Many women grow up hearing messages like "be sweet," "don't be too loud," and "take care of others." While these traits are valuable, relying on them too much can quietly hold you back at work. The truth is, nice isn't enough to reach your career goals. You need more than likability to succeed.
Dr. Lois P. Frankel, a psychologist and executive coach, has studied this problem for over 20 years. In her book Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office, she explains common career mistakes women make and how to fix them. Her message is simple: success isn't about changing who you are. It's about adding new behaviors to your toolbox.
The Hidden Messages That Shape Women at Work
From a young age, girls receive different messages than boys. Frankel explains: "Be sweet. Nobody will like it if you're too loud. Make sure you're taking care of other people. Don't be too smart." These messages follow women into the workplace, causing them to shrink in meetings, avoid conflict, and over-perfect their work.
Even well-meaning parents can pass on these ideas. Frankel shares a story about a mother who told her five-year-old daughter to "be smart, be kind, be strong" every day. The girl came home from school with uneaten food, saying she was "getting fat." The message came from outside the home, showing how deeply these pressures run.
Nice Is Necessary, But Not Enough
Here's the key point: being nice is always an asset. It helps you build trust and relationships. But it's not enough on its own. Frankel says, "Nice is necessary for success. It's just not sufficient."
The danger comes when women stay stuck at one extreme—being too passive or too aggressive. The goal is to find the middle ground. You don't need to act like a man. But you also can't lead like a little girl. You need to grow into your full, adult professional self.
Common Career Mistakes Women Make (And How to Fix Them)
- Being the last to speak in meetings. Frankel advises women to be the second or third person to speak in every meeting. You don't have to give an opinion. Just say something to be heard.
- Keeping your camera off in remote meetings. If your camera is off, you're not really in the meeting. Turn it on so people see you and remember you.
- Avoiding conflict. Disagreements are normal and healthy. Practice speaking up calmly and respectfully.
- Perfecting work beyond what's needed. Done is better than perfect. Focus on getting the job done well, not obsessing over every detail.
Rethinking Imposter Syndrome
Frankel rejects the term "imposter syndrome." She says it's just self-doubt about something you haven't done yet. "You are exactly where you belong," she explains. "If you haven't done something yet, it's normal to have self-doubt. But until you do it, you will not know."
Think of a child learning to walk. They fall down again and again, but they don't say, "This walking thing isn't for me." They just keep trying. The same applies to your career. Self-doubt is not a sign that you don't belong. It's a sign that you're growing.
Practical Tips for Women in the Workplace
- Build 360-degree relationships. Connect with people at all levels—peers, managers, and junior staff. These relationships will support you throughout your career.
- Invest in people consistently, not transactionally. Don't only reach out when you need something. Build genuine connections because it's the right thing to do.
- Speak early in meetings. Even if you just say, "That's a good point," or ask a clarifying question. Being heard makes you visible.
- Turn on your camera. In remote meetings, visibility is power. Show up fully.
What Every 25-Year-Old Woman Should Know
When asked what she would tell a young woman starting her career, Frankel didn't hesitate: "Build 360-degree relationships, because it's those relationships that are going to work for you throughout your career." She adds, "When you need a relationship, it's too late to build it."
Start now. Connect with people authentically. Help others without expecting anything in return. These relationships will open doors you can't even imagine yet.
The Bottom Line: You Belong Here
Frankel's work is about more than getting a corner office. It's about using your full intelligence, voice, and capability—without apology, without shrinking, and without waiting for permission. The bias women face in the workplace hasn't disappeared. In some ways, it's stronger than ever. But you can navigate it by adding new behaviors, not by losing yourself.
Remember: nice isn't enough, but it's a great start. Build on it. Speak up. Take up space. You belong exactly where you are.
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