What True Empathy Looks Like: 5 Key Aspects Explained

Empathy Is a Learnable Skill, Not a Fixed Trait

Most of us would say we value empathy and try to bring it to our relationships and interactions. But empathy is more complex than simply caring about people or trying to understand how they feel. And there can be a significant gap between believing we’re demonstrating empathy and how other people actually experience us.

Recent research also challenges the idea that empathy is simply something we either possess or don’t. A 2025 Stanford Graduate School of Education study examining empathetic communication in the workplace describes empathy as a complex but learnable skill. In the study, participants used virtual reality technology to practice difficult manager-employee conversations, including delivering critical feedback while taking an employee’s circumstances into account. Researchers found that this type of practice increased participants’ expressions of understanding and emotion.

That distinction is important. Empathy isn’t simply something we feel. It’s something we demonstrate in how we listen, communicate, question, challenge and respond to other people. And it’s something we can expand and become better at, with practice.

Perspective-Taking and Emotional Attunement

Perspective-taking means understanding another person’s experience rather than projecting ours. When we “put ourselves in someone else’s shoes,” we may only imagine how we would feel in their circumstances. As University of Michigan professor Marcus Collins explains in his Forbes article on cognitive empathy, genuine understanding requires making room for their perspective instead of centering our own.

Consider someone afraid to challenge a manager. We might assume they need more assertiveness—but perhaps that manager has retaliated against people who disagreed, or the person can’t afford to jeopardize their position. Often the most useful response is simply: “Tell me more about that.”

Emotional attunement goes further: paying attention to what someone may be feeling makes our language, tone and timing important. An observation can be accurate and still be delivered at the wrong time or before someone is ready to hear it.

Curiosity and Empathic Concern

Another key aspect of empathy is recognizing how much we may not know. Someone who procrastinates isn’t necessarily lazy, and a person who remains quiet in meetings doesn’t necessarily lack confidence. If an employee isn’t performing as expected, jumping immediately to judgment can prevent us from discovering what’s actually happening. Are expectations clear? Does the person have the resources they need? Curiosity doesn’t mean abandoning accountability; it means gathering enough understanding before deciding what the situation means.

Caring about someone’s well-being matters too, but caring doesn’t mean deciding what the best outcome must be for them. Psychologist Nicole Lipkin makes an important distinction here: leaders can mistakenly turn empathy into emotional caretaking—absorbing responsibilities, softening necessary feedback or solving people’s problems for them. Consider friends who ask someone unhappy in their role, “Why don’t you just leave?” Leaving may involve income, identity, family responsibilities and more. We can help people understand their circumstances without taking ownership of their decisions.

Responsive Empathy and What Empathy Isn't

One of the most challenging aspects of empathy is recognizing that what someone needs from us varies by individual, circumstance and moment. They may need us to listen, ask thoughtful questions, offer a new perspective, provide encouragement or practical assistance. At times, empathy can mean sharing something difficult to hear.

This is where readiness matters. We may believe someone would benefit from a stronger boundary or a major change, but they may not be ready—emotionally, psychologically, financially or otherwise—to take that step.

Empathy isn’t agreement or appeasement, and it doesn’t mean avoiding difficult truths or uncomfortable conversations. The key is understanding the person in front of us well enough to recognize what might genuinely help them at that moment.

If you find yourself formulating advice while they’re still talking, remain curious a little longer. Ask another question, reflect back what you think you’re hearing and give the person an opportunity to tell you whether you’ve understood correctly.