Why Guilt and Shame Fail to Build Lasting Habits
Most people try to change their habits by focusing on what they should stop doing. "Don't eat junk food," "Don't skip workouts," or "Don't leave the lights on." But research from psychologists Dr. Jiaying Zhao and Dr. Elizabeth Dunn shows that shame and guilt don't help you stick with new habits. Instead, the secret to lasting behavior change is joy.
In a recent study, Zhao found that people are much more likely to take positive actions when told to do more of a behavior rather than to stop doing something. Her favorite example: "Instead of saying, 'Eat less meat,' we say, 'Eat more plants.'" This simple shift in language makes people feel happier and more motivated to keep going.
The Science Behind Joy and Habit Formation
Zhao and Dunn explain that positive emotions like joy trigger a psychological principle called operant conditioning. When a behavior makes us feel good, we naturally want to repeat it. This is why joy works better than shame: shame grabs your attention, but it doesn't help you build long-term habits.
Dunn discovered this in her own life. When she biked to work instead of driving, she arrived in a better mood. She also noticed that a former boyfriend who shamed her for small environmental mistakes didn't actually change her behavior. It just created tension.
"When people get really focused on moralizing, it's easy to lose sight of the real impact of our actions," Dunn said. She warns that excessive moralizing turns every action into a judgment of who you are, rather than a rational look at what works.
How Emotional Intelligence Helps You Build Better Habits
Zhao and Dunn's approach is a perfect example of emotional intelligence (EI) applied to habit formation. Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and manage emotions in yourself and others. Their strategy fits into the self-management skill of EI, which is about regulating your emotions to achieve constructive outcomes.
By choosing which emotions to lean into, you can make your emotions work for you instead of against you. If a habit feels like punishment, your willpower will struggle. Instead, find a way to add genuine positive feelings to the behavior.
5 Simple Steps to Apply the Joy Method
You can use Zhao and Dunn's method to build any habit. Just follow these five steps:
- Pick one habit you want to change or start.
- Add, don't subtract. Ask what you can do more of, not less of. Instead of saying "Stop eating meat with every meal," say "Start eating more vegetables."
- Notice the payoff. Pay attention to positive emotions that come up when you practice your new habit. Write them down if it helps.
- Remove friction. Make it easy to do the right thing. For example, Zhao "feng shuis" her fridge by moving perishables to the front so she doesn't waste food.
- Share it. "If I really enjoy something, I may wanna share it with others," Dunn said. Joy recruits allies.
Putting These Ideas Into Practice
It's easy to feel like you're "lacking discipline" when you fail to reach your goals. But the real problem is often a lack of emotional reward. Take the habit you've been forcing—the workout, the writing hour, the weekly check-ins—and ask Dunn's question: "How could this feel happy instead of miserable?" Answer that, and your new habit will slide right into your life.
Remember, the goal isn't to shame yourself into change. It's to find joy in the process. Science says that's the emotion that works best.
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