A lot has been said about people addicted to alcohol and hard drugs such as marijuana, heroin, cocaine and synthetic substances. Not much is mentioned about the effects of drug addiction on those married to addicts.
Many spouses of alcoholics and drug addicts stay because they genuinely love their partners and want to help them change, but dissatisfaction with the marriage can lead to extramarital affairs and violence. Others stay because they are economically dependent on their addicted spouses.
Regardless of the reasons for sticking with their spouses, there is evidence that spouses of drug-addicted persons experience marital unhappiness because their emotional and financial needs are not being met.
Marital satisfaction is a genuine feeling of pleasure, satisfaction, and joyfulness experienced by husband and wife in their marriage. Drug addicts are obsessed with satisfying their need for drugs. Therefore, they do not have the time or energy to fulfil their partners' expectations.
Sober spouse
The failure to fulfil marital expectations is not just limited to romantic matters. The "sober" spouse suffers the shame of having to defend the addict's behaviour. The addict's behaviour in public may result in the family being socially isolated from community activities. The sober spouse constantly worries about the future of the family under such circumstances.
A study carried out in Kenya by a team of UK researchers found that romantic partners of drug addicts can either facilitate or discourage the habit. Perhaps the romantic partner introduced the addict to drugs and alcohol. In those cases, a person starts using the substances as a means of bonding with a partner who was already using them. A woman in Kilifi told the team that she started using drugs when she got into a relationship with a peddler.
"When you have a relationship with someone like that, and he sells, he provides you with drugs so that you can make him happy," the woman told the team from the University of Lancaster. The report showed how women from poverty-stricken backgrounds get into relationships with drug pushers because they always have money.
How about couples where the woman is using drugs and the husband isn't? The Lancaster researchers found that it was not easy for women drug abusers to completely stop the habit even when the husband was opposed to it.
Reasons ranged from addiction, negative influences from friends and the environment around them. Female drug addicts told researchers they were secretly using drugs without their husbands' knowledge even while pregnant. The urge to take drugs was too much to resist despite the risks to the unborn baby.
A separate report on drug abuse within marriage notes that "socially deviant behaviours such as illicit drug use are not compatible with traditional adult, social roles such as marriage or parenthood." This means that drug addicts have difficulties fulfilling their responsibilities in marriage because they can't keep a job and they spend all their money on drugs or alcohol.
Furthermore, drug addicts are not emotionally available to their spouses and children, and generally bring shame to the family. This worsens the sense of dissatisfaction in the "sober" spouse. Marital dissatisfaction can, in extreme cases, result in backlash.
Central Kenya has over the years gained notoriety for rampant alcoholism and men complaining of mistreatment at home. A survey carried out in Central Kenya by mental health expert Dr Lydiah Maingi confirmed a link between domestic abuse and men's inability to provide for their families. The abuse rarely turns into actual violence but often takes the form of verbal attacks, threats, denial of food and conjugal rights and emotional abuse.
The lack of money from their husbands forces some women to get financial assistance from men outside the family. On finding out about the affairs, the alcoholic husbands use that as a further justification to continue taking alcohol. "If the problem of substance use was addressed, it would also lead to a decrease in intimate partner violence," Maingi noted.
The manner in which addicted persons treat their children also contributes to marital dissatisfaction. Alcoholism among men directly contributes to child mental disorders and drug abuse among adolescents. Alcohol abuse is linked with child maltreatment and neglect, harsh parenting and lack of stimulation at home.
Both legal and illegal drugs have the same effect of creating dissatisfaction in marriage. According to the National Authority for the Campaign Against Drug Abuse, almost six per cent of Kenyans are alcoholics.
Other commonly used legal drugs include tobacco, miraa and muguka. Meanwhile, bhang is the most widely used illegal drug in the country. Approximately one per cent of Kenyans aged 15-65 regularly use bhang, says Nacada, but anecdotal evidence suggests the figure could be higher.
Long journey
Clearly, spouses are just as affected by addiction as the addict. How then does one handle such a situation should it arise? According to Psychology Today magazine, the path to healing an addiction is a long one. The recovering addict may relapse just when it seemed he/she had overcome the addiction. Spouses in such circumstances should not forget to take care of their own well-being during that long journey.
One way of doing this is by setting boundaries, for example, agreeing with an alcoholic that there will be no drinking in the house or that he/she should not arrive home when excessively drunk. Furthermore, friends who encourage the addiction should not be allowed into the homestead.
"Talk to friends, people and family members in recovery who have the experience of what you're going through, and seek the help of addiction specialists," the magazine advises. If the addiction gets to a point where your life is in danger, it may be necessary to get out of the relationship.
